Last night was the 2013 Candidate Comedy Night, where your elected leaders got onstage and tried to be funny.
Some succeeded, some didn't. The full recap, including some stuff I didn't get to last night, is below.
First up is former County Executive Jim Roddey.
Roddey opens with a joke about St. Barnabus. An old man is walking around the home, and a group of female residents tell him they can guess his age.
But he has to take off his pants first.
He's incredulous. But he does it. The women get it right away: "87!" The man asks how they did it.
"We were at your birthday party last week," they reply.
Nothing like an old person joke to start things off.
Alright, first Ravenstahl joke of the night. "Is Luke here?" Roddey asks. "I can't really see out there." Unfortunately, his follow-up is too libelous to print here.
Roddey skewers both Daryl Metcalfe (apparently he's Taylor Swift's penace for barely getting into heaven) and Allyson Schwartz (who he contends is actually state Rep. Jesse White, who's had some problems supposedly impersonating people on Facebook, in drag). A bipartisan effort.
Now up is Family Court Judge Jack McVay, who opened with a Viagra joke. So, yeah.
Oh, no. A Hitler joke.
An inscrutable joke about Rich Fitzgerald making him a campaign slogan: "Tea parties are for little girls." Hm?
Here comes Allegheny County prosecutor Mark Tranquilli. He's brought notes and says he's nervous because unlike a jury, the audience at the Improv is not sworn to laugh at his jokes.
OK, he had a pretty good one comparing the Cyril Wecht - Jim Roddey county executive race to Star Wars, with Wecht as Yoda ("You see how you look when you're 400 years old!") and Roddey as the Emperor ("My Republican allies will stuff YOU in a body bag!"). A very good Yoda impression!
But now he's gone on to lawyer jokes that he got off the internet.
Oh no, he's bringing up hooker-gigolo-lawyer jokes.
Going to take a break from Tranquilli's lawyer jokes -- 5 minutes and counting -- for this glamor shot of Rich Fitzgerald, Jim Roddey, Bill Peduto and Justice Max Baer.
Here comes PJ Murray, another candidate for judge. He's getting some points making fun of his Irish-American campaign manager and jokes on how women are better than men.
Whoops, looks like he's mostly making lawyer jokes too.
Here comes Jim Burn, the Pa. Democratic Party chairman. His first joke is about himself making an idiot out of himself.
First Josh Wander joke of the evening! "I see Josh Wander is on his way up," Burn said. "Jim Roddey, how the hell did you get him out of his doomsday bunker to get here?"
Burn says he knows county exec. Rich Fitzgerald from old times at their Lawrenceville elementary school. Back then, you settled your differences in the Red Alley, he says. "I remember it like it was yesterday: Rich in the Red Alley, beating the snot out of someone that didn't agree with him."
"Actually, it was yesterday," he deadpans.
Oh boy oh boy it's Josh Wander time.
Here's one. Wander says he recently saw Bill Peduto driving his street cleaner -- when the guy gets pulled over. The cop asks if he has a license to drive a heavy vehicle.
"No," Peduto says, "But don't worry, I'm going to be the mayor of Pittsburgh in a year."
The cop slaps his head. "Oh man, you're the second guy to say that. We pulled over a guy a few blocks ago with some tattoos and dreads and a DUI who said the same thing!"
A.J. Richardson is not appearing tonight.
Here's Bill Peduto. Apparently, he's only seen the campaign commericials against him twice. "Remember the ones that Luke paid for, or as I call them, the ones that got me elected? It's the nicest thing Luke ever did for me!"
Next on the block is A.J. Richardson. "You may remember AJ: He was the one with the "alternative" look. It put a lot of pressure on those of us in the debates, because you never wanted to be out-debated by the face-tattoo guy."
"It's almost as bad as being out-debated by Michael Lamb."
Zing. He's also suggesting Josh Wander campaign for mayor of Detroit. His slogan suggestion: "Vote Wander: He has a year's worth of food."
Pa. Supreme Court Justice Max Baer has taken the stage -- with a whiteboard. He's fuddling around up there while everyone waits.
OK, he's doing some bit with putting pictures of his fellow justices on the whiteboard. I'm going to work on the print story.
Sorry to leave you hanging -- print deadline called. Let's round out the rest of the coverage.
Rich Fitzgerald -- apparently the headliner? -- takes the stage. Starts out by making fun of Tranquilli's lawyer jokes and Baer's whiteboard lesson in Supreme Court politics. (That lasted for about a billion years, by the way.)
"Josh, when are you going to begin that campaign?" Fitz yells to Josh Wander. "We're waiting."
Follows up with a dig at Darlene Harris, who was worried folks wouldn't know how to get Downtown from the North Side if the 16th Street Bridge became the David McCullough Bridge. Maybe there's some truth to that, he said: "You haven't seen Luke in the office lately, have you?"
Makes a double play with a joke about the Knit the Bridge project on the Andy Warhol Bridge: "We had over 100 people all week working to put up knitted blankets all over the 7th St. Bridge. There is a rumor out there... but these are not the baby blankets Kathy and I had with the kids!"
(Rich has a lot of kids.)
Follows up with a joke about how he had Pope Benedict's resignation letter in his desk (I think Roddey made that one first a few months ago...).
Aaaaaaaand he closes by calling the media clowns. Thanks.